Grenade

My lungs burn as I

remember what it was like

being five

and laughing

and sitting under your legs

over your heart

My heart is but

bruised handmade stitches

on something that keeps

falling apart

Apart I fall

inside

where I am

an open wound

I was taken by that tidal wave today

It felt like drinking sterile alcohol

all the water in my lungs

all the burning in my wounds

Reawaken

Everyone else cries as well

but we are not crying for the same reasons

They didn’t know you

And as I consider

just perhaps

neither did I

I wonder if you knew how much I’d miss you

I don’t know what answer would hurt less

I don’t know if it would have changed anything

I don’t know if you ever cared enough

to take my suffering into consideration

as you destroyed yourself from within

She said she was a grenade

because she doesn’t know the story of how

you imploded

She doesn’t know you

And just perhaps

neither do I

I find that I only know this:

I wish you would stop dying on me

I wish you would stop going away

I wish you would stop turning your back

or being buried by dirt or pain or indifference

I wish you would stay for once

But that’s the thing about pain

It demands to be felt

14

You’re going to be 14 soon

And you are becoming a beautiful young woman

Your face is getting more defined

Your lips are becoming fuller

Your body…

Oh, sweetie, your body

What is it about your body?

What is it about your growing body

that makes people so uncomfortable?

You’re going to be 14 soon

and you can’t wear your favorite shirt anymore

They told you it was just “too tight”

though it falls loosely around your stomach

You're going to be 14 soon

and that dress has got to go

You've grown so much, it’s just “too short”

Too wrapped around your ever-growing hips

Too much of a warm embrace around your body

It’s just wrong

You’re going to be 14 soon

and you will be weary of wearing shorts out when it’s hot

Because your legs are now a public display of shamelessness

Because that extra inch defines whether or not you are worthy of pity

Because it will be night time when you come home

and you don’t want to be noticed

Your survival depends on going unnoticed

You’re going to be 14 soon

and you will start to develop a deaf hear

to the kind of men that seem to be defined as scum

but then are just shrugged off

“It is what it is”

You’re going to be 14 soon

and it will be about whether you are a saint or a sinner

An innocent or a nymphomaniac

A prude or a slut

There is no shade of grey for you,

beautiful young woman,

because you are not complex

You are not immensely intricate or interesting

You do not get to be large

You do not contain multitudes

You are this ever changing body

and the conversation will always be about what you do with it

You’ll be ruthlessly slandered

for your sexual choices

for your hemlines

for your necklines

But that dotted line

written up by a publicity company

that believes it to be a good idea

to use your body to sell their product

isn’t up for discussion

It’s not hypocrisy, young lady

There’s no wrong doing here, lil’ chick

This isn’t oppression, you bitch

There is no such thing as a patriarchy

Agridoce

Os anos esvaem-se diante dos meus olhos

Vejo-me

Aqui estou eu

formada

empregada

casada

mãe

feliz

Vejo cada cena

e em cada cena vejo o sorriso que falta

as palavras silenciadas

o choro que talvez nem venha

Mas não te esqueço

Os anos esvaem-se diante dos meus olhos

E vejo que em cada momento de felicidade

arde a picada ácida do adeus

Adeus, não estás por cá

Adeus, onde foste?

Adeus…

Por favor, volta.

Agora, a Deus pertences

Deste-me a maior dádiva da unidade

Juntaste as pontas do lençol com que se cobre a Realidade

Em tudo

A toda a hora

Em toda a parte