indigo

everything goes from raspberry red

to deep down under

indigo blue

this immense roller coaster continuously

straining my breath     and simultaneously

forcing the air out of my lungs in shouts

into the void

(is this void devoid of your voice

or can I listen to you in my dreams?)

I hadn't felt so safe for so long

I’d forgotten how it felt

to believe in the arms put around me

I forget how we fell into place

and I wonder if we could ever fall out

once more    strangers

(is there somewhere outside

of this world where we can stop

on our journey to nowhere    anywhere?)

I feel scared

and this is what I was afraid of

how can I love without fear?

Highly sensitive

I don’t know

I can’t know

but I can feel

I don’t know

what I feel

but I feel it

It’s a poetic kind of

hypersensitivity

It’s an excess of empathy

connection

love or heartbreak

I feel it all

I feel every bump

every crack

every prickle

I feel all the sore throats

and backpain

and high fevers of

the world

I feel an old man crying

for the first time

in forever

I feel hearts opening

and wounds forming

and old sorrows healing

I’m here

I’m alive

I feel it

Half-heartedly

I don’t like people who apologize

for the circumstances

I don’t like people with big dreams

and empty hands

I don’t like to make plans

to cover for other people’s

lack of enthusiasm

or commitment

I’m asking you to scream

I’m asking you to jump

I’m asking you

For honesty

This is your life

Yours

And I could be yours

too

But you don’t own up

You don’t stand tall

When people say

fight for what you want

This

this is what they mean

Don't be half the person

you are

Let the moon tell you what to think

we spend too much time
looking for something

testing our equipment
measuring our lives
trying to make it all fit together

but it floats away
as if in a cloud or a dream

this moon is good for
another twenty years

we have waited this long for it
this is not the time to fall asleep

turn off the city lights, dear
the sky is enlighten
and life is coming alive

with legs intertwined

with legs intertwined

we stood

i watched you leave

for all the days that stood between us

empty beds

empty choices

i see the light go out in the next room

through the arch

of an oblivious door

it’s like seeing the light go out

from all the pieces of you

too shattered for this world

I like time

I like time

I like the sound of life

running into it

I like the rushing pointers

I like wearing the hours on my wrist

I like keeping tabs

and planning

and scheduling

and being punctual

Punctuality

There is melody to the word

and the concept

There is an art to routine

I do not fear its nervous grip

So that there is a taste of freedom

to all the schedules

So that there is a transcendent beauty

to all the tick-tocks

So that there is an infinite open space

to all those minutes

and hours and seconds and days

Oh, the days

Life,

you big blank canvas

colored by time

Always the hours between us,

between you and I,

my dear Eternity

Grenade

My lungs burn as I

remember what it was like

being five

and laughing

and sitting under your legs

over your heart

My heart is but

bruised handmade stitches

on something that keeps

falling apart

Apart I fall

inside

where I am

an open wound

I was taken by that tidal wave today

It felt like drinking sterile alcohol

all the water in my lungs

all the burning in my wounds

Reawaken

Everyone else cries as well

but we are not crying for the same reasons

They didn’t know you

And as I consider

just perhaps

neither did I

I wonder if you knew how much I’d miss you

I don’t know what answer would hurt less

I don’t know if it would have changed anything

I don’t know if you ever cared enough

to take my suffering into consideration

as you destroyed yourself from within

She said she was a grenade

because she doesn’t know the story of how

you imploded

She doesn’t know you

And just perhaps

neither do I

I find that I only know this:

I wish you would stop dying on me

I wish you would stop going away

I wish you would stop turning your back

or being buried by dirt or pain or indifference

I wish you would stay for once

But that’s the thing about pain

It demands to be felt

14

You’re going to be 14 soon

And you are becoming a beautiful young woman

Your face is getting more defined

Your lips are becoming fuller

Your body…

Oh, sweetie, your body

What is it about your body?

What is it about your growing body

that makes people so uncomfortable?

You’re going to be 14 soon

and you can’t wear your favorite shirt anymore

They told you it was just “too tight”

though it falls loosely around your stomach

You're going to be 14 soon

and that dress has got to go

You've grown so much, it’s just “too short”

Too wrapped around your ever-growing hips

Too much of a warm embrace around your body

It’s just wrong

You’re going to be 14 soon

and you will be weary of wearing shorts out when it’s hot

Because your legs are now a public display of shamelessness

Because that extra inch defines whether or not you are worthy of pity

Because it will be night time when you come home

and you don’t want to be noticed

Your survival depends on going unnoticed

You’re going to be 14 soon

and you will start to develop a deaf hear

to the kind of men that seem to be defined as scum

but then are just shrugged off

“It is what it is”

You’re going to be 14 soon

and it will be about whether you are a saint or a sinner

An innocent or a nymphomaniac

A prude or a slut

There is no shade of grey for you,

beautiful young woman,

because you are not complex

You are not immensely intricate or interesting

You do not get to be large

You do not contain multitudes

You are this ever changing body

and the conversation will always be about what you do with it

You’ll be ruthlessly slandered

for your sexual choices

for your hemlines

for your necklines

But that dotted line

written up by a publicity company

that believes it to be a good idea

to use your body to sell their product

isn’t up for discussion

It’s not hypocrisy, young lady

There’s no wrong doing here, lil’ chick

This isn’t oppression, you bitch

There is no such thing as a patriarchy

I may not be the prettiest girl

I may not be the prettiest girl in the room

I won’t have the shiniest hair

Or the most captivating smile

Or the most confident walk

There’s a chance I’m not

the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen

And I’m certainly not the thinnest

(and these I’m taking off the table as of now

so you won’t later try to pass

thoughtless pickup lines as compliments)

I may not be the prettiest girl in the room

and I don’t need you to think so

I want you to say

something substantial

Because I’m substantially made

from the substance of dreams

Earth below my feet

and head way up in the clouds

I see things

I feel things

Mostly, I listen

Even when nobody else would

So don’t small talk your way over

I’m not small

I’m big

I’m huge

I’m a substantial feather

made of nothingness

and I’m so light

Don’t come to me if you want

my smile to light up your world

My smile won’t cut it

if you won’t light it yourself

Don’t waste your time, my dear

I have none left to waste

because my schedule is booked

I’m thoroughly occupied by

stopping and smelling the roses

You should try it sometime

Don’t stare at me from across a room

Don’t expect me to know from

short lived meaningless glances

Don’t fixate

Come over and say what you have come to say

Come over and explain

the substance of your

shimmering gaze

Come over and talk

I won’t settle for less

I may not be the prettiest girl in the room

But I’m one of the few who know

the secret:

It doesn’t matter

I’m still human

I'm a child

I'm a child,
And I don't know
About economics
And politics.

I'm a child,
And I don't know
About money
Or the quick fix.

I'm a child,
And I don't realize
How often I spread
My wings and fly.

I fly away,
To a place
Where feelings
Aren't names.

I fly so high
That I forget
My own name.

And I don't try.
I'm myself,
Without regret or pain.

That's where I
Lost everything I had.
(Everything I
Ever had)
But I gained
The world instead.

7/09/09