Grenade

My lungs burn as I

remember what it was like

being five

and laughing

and sitting under your legs

over your heart

My heart is but

bruised handmade stitches

on something that keeps

falling apart

Apart I fall

inside

where I am

an open wound

I was taken by that tidal wave today

It felt like drinking sterile alcohol

all the water in my lungs

all the burning in my wounds

Reawaken

Everyone else cries as well

but we are not crying for the same reasons

They didn’t know you

And as I consider

just perhaps

neither did I

I wonder if you knew how much I’d miss you

I don’t know what answer would hurt less

I don’t know if it would have changed anything

I don’t know if you ever cared enough

to take my suffering into consideration

as you destroyed yourself from within

She said she was a grenade

because she doesn’t know the story of how

you imploded

She doesn’t know you

And just perhaps

neither do I

I find that I only know this:

I wish you would stop dying on me

I wish you would stop going away

I wish you would stop turning your back

or being buried by dirt or pain or indifference

I wish you would stay for once

But that’s the thing about pain

It demands to be felt